Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
