My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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