Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
