Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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