Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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