why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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