Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
