you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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