Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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