I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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