Your mouth is God's brothel.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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