i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
