My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
