this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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