i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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