Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
