This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
