please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
