Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We don't watch enough power rangers
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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