kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
