She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My ATM looks so different sober.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
