ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
