In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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