I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
