remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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