OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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