I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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