I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
