I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
