She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
