I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
