The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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