i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she pinky promised me she was 18
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize