We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
