We're facebook friends in real life
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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