So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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