what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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