I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
