I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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