I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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