Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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