I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
