When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
