Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
