I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
