bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
