mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
