$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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