I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
