Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
