Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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