Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
