I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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