i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
