he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
no you cant smoke seaweed
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
