John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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