Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
