please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
