Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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