my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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