why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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